Monday, May 20, 2013

I am the reason we can't have nice things

I have a story that I never told you.  I really think that Robin should tell it, but since this is my blog and not hers...

We don't own a proper Crock Pot and I am the Reason.

When we got married, we went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and registered much like any couple.  One of the things that we both wanted was a crock pot, so naturally we put one on the registry.

Our friends are family are great and at our wedding we received  Crock Pots.  We returned one right away and decided to keep the extra, just in case we had a need for it.  We are apparently the type of people that believe having an extra useless appliance is a good thing.

Skip ahead a couple months, we have not yet used our Crock Pot and I am hanging out in the garage with a friend.   Him and I notice that there is a Crock Pot sitting on a shelf that is still in the box.  He mentions to me his fiance and he were recently discussing getting just that very thing.  I of course begin to regal him of storys of chili and pot roast and all manner of Crock Potty things.  None of which, mind you, we have had yet, even with multiple Crock Pots in the house.

Here is where things go tits-up.  You see, if you know me, you know that I do anything for my friends.  It is a fault that I have.  No your not going to change me, yes I get burned and hurt a lot and yes I know hardly anyone does nice things.  Can I finish my story please?

I offer to my friend (we'll call him Joe) the very Crock Pot that is sitting in the garage because my thinking is this, "why would we really need an unopened appliance just collecting dust."  Joe accepts this with  a smile, he puts it in his truck and the two of us finish our drinks, then we have another; and another and another, and, well you get the point..

While I am sitting the garage drinking away the last 7 brain cells that still cling to my grey matter, Robin is in the house, woefully unaware that I just gave away this Crock Pot.

You see, Robin and I had previously spoken about giving a Crock Pot away to someone, we had come to the realization that we were not in fact going to use it.  Little did I know (scratch that, I was told, I just didn't remember) that the Crock Pot in the garage was the one for us.  One had been returned and the other we gave away as a gift to her mother.

Joe goes home, I go to sleep feeling both happy that I helped a friend and wobbly from the alcohol.

In the morning Robin wakes and proceeds to have a fantastic morning.  When I finally arise from my drinking induced mini-coma I get around to talking to my lovely wife and telling her about all the fun I had the previous night.

Leave it to me not leave out extolling my virtuous selflessness and tell Robin about the wonderful gift that we gave to my dear friend "Joe".

Robin: "You gave him the Crock Pot that was in the garage?"
Me: "Yeah, he was very grateful.  It was serendipitous that we had an extra!"

Robin: "That wasn't an extra, that was ours!  We gave the extra one to my mom!"

The look on Robin's face could have decapitated a small mammal.  I instantly felt bad, I knew she was not done giving me grief about my little faux-pa.  I wanted to cry, to show her that I was heartbroken over the idiotic thing I had perpetrated.  Alas, it was not to be, the alcohol that was still in my system had dehydrated me and left a gift of a headache that would make a battle-hardened Marine want his mommy.

Robin sat silent for a moment, awaiting my reply.  Al I could muster was a tiny, pathetic, "I'm sorry, I didn't know."  She took her time here, knowing full well that I knew my end was near.  She savored every second of my stunned silence; drank it up like a lioness that has just won a battle with a male lion for dominance over the pack.  Finally, the very second before my heart exploded out of chest she replied,

"If you listened to me more, you would have remembered that we kept that on in the garage for us!"

I am going to stop my story here for a moment, I want you all to look up the price of a Crock Pot, go to Amazon or Wal-Mart or Target.  Even you splurged you are not going to spend more than $50 dollars and in most cases you can get a basic model for around $20.

Robin continued with "Now you are just going to have to call him and ask for it back!"

"I can't do that, hun.  I gave it to him as a gift.  I'll look like a dumb-ass."  As soon as those words left my mouth, I knew I had given her everything she needed.

My loving, caring, beautiful and adoring wife replied with "Well if you look like one and act one, then I guess you know what that means."

I never did get that Crock Pot back.  Thankfully a close friend of ours had a spare and we replaced the new Crock Pot with a used one.  Ask me someday when she finally used it, and be sure to ask what happened to the lid of that one, it's probably a story for a whole new blog post.

1 comment: